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Dear hypothetical gay son… by Johnn Kinnear
I ran across this letter on Reddit this morning. It is from a father disowning his gay son. It broke my heart. It’s not the first time that I’ve seen something like this. Living in Utah, it’s a pretty common story. I had friends experience it first hand in high school. This morning was the first time I’ve run across it since becoming a dad. My son is living in his mom’s belly, so obviously we don’t know his sexual orientation. Still, the letter I read this morning made me wonder what my letter would say if the news that my son was gay ended up being a surprise. So here it is:
Dear Hypothetically Gay Son,You’re gay. Obviously you already know that, because you told us at the dinner table last night. I apologize for the awkward silence afterwards, but I was chewing. It was like when we’re at a restaurant and the waiter comes up mid-bite and asks how the meal is, only in this metaphor you are the waiter and instead of asking me about my meal you said you were gay. I don’t know why I needed to explain that. I think I needed to find a funny way to repeat the fact that you’re gay… because that is what it sounds like in my head right now. “My son is gay. My son is gay. My son is gay.”Let me be perfectly clear. I love you. I will always love you. Since being gay is part of who you are, I love that you’re gay. I’m just trying to wrap my head around the idea. If you sensed any sadness in my silence last night, it was because I was surprised that I was surprised. Ideally, I would have already known. Since you were an embryo, my intent has always been to really know you for who you are and not who I expect you to be. And yet, I was taken by surprise at last night’s dinner. Have I said “surprise” enough in this paragraph? One more time… surprise!OK. Let’s get a few things straight about how things are going to be.
- Our home is a place of safety and love. The world has dealt you a difficult card. While LGBT people are becoming more accepted, it is still a difficult path to walk. You’re going to experience hate and anger and misunderstandings about who you are out in the world. That will not happen here. You need to know with every fiber of who you are that when you walk in the front door of your home you are safe and you are loved. Your mother is in complete agreement with me on this.
- I am still, as always, your biggest defender. Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you’re any less capable of taking care of/defending yourself. That said, if you need me to stand next to you, in front of you, write letters, sign petitions, advocate, or anything else, I am here. I will go to war for you.
- If you’re going to have boys over, you now need to leave your bedroom door open. Sorry kiddo. Thems are the breaks. I couldn’t have girls in my room with the door shut, you don’t get to have boys.
- You and I are going to revisit that talk we had about safe sex. I know it’s going to be awkward for both of us, but it is important. I need to do some research first, so let’s give it a few weeks. If you have questions or concerns before then, let me know.
That’s enough for now. Feel free to view this letter as a contract. If I ever fail to meet any of the commitments made herein, pull it out and hold me to account. I’ll end with this: You are not broken. You are whole, and beautiful. You are capable and compassionate. You and your sister are the best things I have ever done with my life, and I couldn’t be more proud of the people you’ve become.Love,
Dad
P.S. Thanks to a few key Supreme Court decisions and the Marriage Equality act of 2020 you’re legally able to get married. When I was your age, that was just an idea. Pretty cool huh?- I’d like to thank Reddit user “RegBarc” for bravely sharing that letter. I’m sorry for the pain your dad caused by writing it. If you’re ever in Salt Lake City, you’re welcome at our dinner table any time.
What would your letter say? Chime in on the comments.
::UPDATE:: I think it is safe to say that this post has gone viral. I am joyously overwhelmed by the response we’ve received. Just in case this never happens again, I want to try and do something that makes a difference. If you want to help spread the love monetarily, the Utah Pride Center always needs help. You can click the “donate” button on their front page. Here is a little bit about their mission. Aside from donating in the past, I am not associated with them in ANY way. I just know that “fame” (ironic quotation marks intentional) can be fleeting, and “internet fame” even more so. So if you’d like to help, please do. If not, no worries. From my family to yours, thank you. thank you, thank you for all of the love.
This is so inspiring, heart-warming, and just all around AMAZING. THIS is a real father. THIS is how a father should treat his child. THIS is love.
Dads and future dads, take a fucking note! <3
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Hey, look! It’s me and my amazing boyfriend (thatmerrywandererofthenight) after having a color dust battle for Holi! He’s pretty fucking fantastic.
You guys should go follow him. <3
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Time to get ready to go meet the new president of the Human Rights Campaign!
Going to a party with the boyfriend and some other friends to welcome him and get to know him. I’m SUPER excited! :)
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Time to get ready for the pride parade!
It’s going to be SOOOOO hot, but I shall match on with pride for my gay self an community!
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This song helps me so much.
This is the song that gave me the strength to come out to my parents. This band will forever be in my heart.
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I’ve decided that our QSA meeting today will be about Self-Love.
In honor of Self-Harm Awareness Day, I’m going to do a lesson on Self-Love to our QSA. Not only is this a major issue in our generation, but it is also a major issue in our generation of LGBTQ youth. So, I’ve decided to give a lesson to all our members on Self-Love in hope of bringing awareness to this epidemic, and helping those in our group who might be struggling, some piece of mind and to let them know that they are not alone.
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I’m coming up with a Queer Trivia Challenge game for my QSA.
I’ve noticed that our numbers have been dwindling since a few people tried to take over and turn the club into a far too formal setting, so I decided that this would be an awesome idea to do so we can brig people back in with fun, but also teaching them too! I’m gonna start giving lessons on different queer related topics starting next Wednesday with Trans* issues! I’m nervous, but excited at the same time! I really want everyone to enjoy coming and not alienate anyone by being too formal or being too “fun”. Here goes nothing! Wish me luck everyone!
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I’m running my 1st meeting as pres tmrw and then giving my first lesson on trans* issues on Thursday for my QSA.
I’m sooooooooo nervous, but excited at the same time! I hope it goes well and they all dot regret electing me president.
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Gay=Sin re-edit by Matthew Brown.
Beautiful. Moving. Everyone needs to watch this.
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I’m the new Co-President of my university’s QSA!
I’m sooooo excited! I have so many plans and ideas for our group! I can’t wait to get started! :)
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